New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
