you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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