Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
