She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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