just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
