i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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