____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
