How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
