you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
