Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
