I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
