he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
