At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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