i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
