Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
