On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
