I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
