Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
