It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
