I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
