Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
