So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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