I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
