no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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