Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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