i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
