Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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