I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
