with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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