a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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