you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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