I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
