my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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