Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
