we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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