I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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