mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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