...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
