ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
