I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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