cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
