My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
