dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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