Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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