I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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