what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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