It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
