Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
