if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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