She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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