You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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