clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
